{Long Post} How Crochet Calmed the Insanity

Back in 1999 when I found out I was pregnant I was filled with joy. The previous year I had a miscarriage on Christmas Day so this baby was an answer to my heart’s cry. During my first pregnancy I hand stitched a little quilt for my baby out of recycled clothing. It’s wonky, my lines aren’t straight but I love it because I made it with my own hands and lots of love.

I wanted to make something for this baby as well. I knew from years of trying to sew that, that was not my gift so I decided to take some classes in crochet. I made a blanket for my soon to son and have been crocheting ever since.

Little did I know that those lessons would carry me through a very dark time in my life. I’ve suffered from depression for a long time – my first suicide attempt was at 16 and there have been many close calls since. Sad to say but self harming was my stress reliever.

With both births I had postpartum depression. With my second birth I was aware of the possibility and was watchful but still it surprised me. It was severe. I suffered my depression just as Andrea Yates was all over the news. I was fearful of turning against my children.

Long story short I was hospitalized and eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started taking medication regularly.

One thing I suffered from during both postpartum periods was paranoia and auditory hallucinations. It’s like turning off  5 TV’s and the radio but still having all the noise.

It paralyzed me. I was housebound and very little help to my husband and children. My medication dose had to be tripled to help relieve me of these.

I didn’t know it at the time but I used crochet as a coping mechanism. It is what I did. My children can’t remember a time when I didn’t have a hook and yarn in hand. I would make hats, animals, dolls and scarves. I didn’t really make them for anyone, I just needed to crochet. It brought peace to my mind and to the lives of my family.

When I crochet my mind clears up. The counting stitches and rhythmic motions of the various stitches soothe the chaos. I’m already an introvert so much of my existence is in my head so I don’t need any added chaos in there.

Crochet helped me in other areas too. I am an all or nothing thinker. Some people call this borderline personality which means there is no grey area. I can see this pattern of thought throughout my life.

If I got a B on a paper in school I would do some self-harming behavior. I think this is how I developed a pattern of attempting to ‘kill myself’ as a stress reliever. I wasn’t really wanting to die because quite frankly if I did, I’d be dead by now. This behavior has been going on since I was 16 – it’s tiring, not only for me but for those who love me.

Crochet helped me struggle through a problem, like deciphering a pattern, untangling a ball of yarn, or developing my own designs. It was these lessons that transferred into life.

Untangling a ball of yarn is a hassle but instead of yelling all sorts of obscenities and throwing it across the room and giving up I learned to take it one little piece at a time. I still don’t like untangling yarn but I don’t have a cow when I have to do it.

Crochet also helped me accept mistakes. In crochet, if you make a mistake you just rip it out and start over. In the beginning this was hard for me to do. Eventually I accepted that it wasn’t the ‘end of the world‘ or the project and that the project would be better if I just took the time to rip out a couple of rows or stitches. Mistakes are good. You learn from them, move on and remember not to make them again, at least that is the plan.

I tackle problems much better now. I still have loads of problems – who doesn’t? However, now I have a bit more patience with myself, others and with the uncertainties of life.

I no longer use self-harming behavior as a stress reliever, {Oops! I still use food but healing from that will come, I hope.} crochet, reading, writing and other activities have replaced that.

Earlier this year I experienced another loss of which I thought I would not make it through. I had no desire to create anything.  I took a long break from everything including crochet in order to feel the emotion completely.

With the help and prayers of friends and family I was able to get past that low period. Kathryn’s book was something that helped me break through the wall of despair – it helped reading what others suffered, it made me push to stop isolating myself and pick up my hook and yarn again. I still don’t crochet as much as I used to and I am still fragile but I know once my heart is done processing grief and pain I will once again find healing in the rhythm of counting stitches.

I want to thank Kathryn Vercillo once again for baring her heart so that we can all know we are not alone. I’m glad to have crossed paths with her and also for the women who showed great strength in sharing their stories. 

Much healing is happening as a result of her book Crochet Save My Life. As people find her book and share their own struggle more people are being healed. It doesn’t matter if it is through crochet or some other form of art or creative expression, sharing your story helps everyone.

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